Between 2 and 4 years of age, among all the amazing milestones your daughter is reaching, chances are you have already encountered a dreaded marker of your little one’s social and emotional development: defiance.

The experience of being a toddler or a preschooler is filled with curiosity, imagination, and also an increasing need for autonomy and exploring boundaries. With a still developing prefrontal cortex, you can imagine how, being a young kid in a world of grown-ups, your daughter enjoys and is happy to assert all the power and control she might get her hands on. At times, parenting a kid can be very frustrating, especially when confronted with a continuous stream of no’s, but if you think of this behavior as your daughter’s way of exploring her newly found independence, you will be able to respond in a nurturing way that will continue to encourage growth, autonomy, and exploration. Here are some tips on how to do so:

Powered by Rock Convert
  • Think “what’s the message that my child is trying to communicate by saying no?”. She is not being defiant in order to frustrate you, she is trying to express something.
  • Recognize your child’s actions and feelings, and try not to engage in a power struggle. Instead, try to voice what’s happening.
  • When anticipating a “no”, try and change the question or task into one where there’s room for your child to make some decisions and exert a bit of control. For example, you can ask your daughter which toys does she want to pick up first.
  • Try to empathize with what your child is experiencing and why she is refusing to engage with it.
  • Model responding instead of reacting. Your kid is learning how to self-regulate and how to assert independence by watching you.
  • Ask her to be your important helper.
  • Encourage putting feelings into words and other ways of self-expression.
  • Remember it’s not personal, its developmental!